Father Knotz, a celibate Polish Roman Catholic Priest, has written a best-selling sex-manual, ‘Sex Is Divine’- but for married couples only!
The Catholic Kama Sutra!
A celibate Priest’s sex-pertise,
Aids married couples with the ‘hots’;
To try out bondage as a wheeze,
To tie each other up in ‘Knotz’!
Rome’s devotees are off the hook,
For making love in ways thought odd;
It sayeth in the Priest’s new book:
“The new positions pleaseth God”!
In days of yore a work as such,
Would top the Vatican’s banned list; (1)
As priests in lust’s unholy clutch,
Might fancy a forbidden tryst. (2)
As in the past some monks had erred,
(Their ‘holy spirit’ was Chartreuse)
And on the whole they much preferred,
Those sins involving ‘his’ not ‘hers’!
These willy-nilly goings on,
Employed those bits Saint Paul eschewed; (3)
In places where the Sun ain’t shone,
With practices both lewd and crude!
Unholy habits struck down nuns,
Who biblically knew Beelzebub, (4)
And ended up with ‘oven buns’,
Inside the convent’s pudding club!
In Inquisition times a purge,
Was launched to quell this moral lapse;
And flagellate those with the urge,
To sport with both the gals and chaps.
Now in the Priest’s sex-guide today,
Of the positions shown therein;
The missionary way is passé,
Though onanism’s still a sin. (5)
The book’s sold out through Christendom,
Allegedly as each page shows;
Hot pics of Blair and Widdecombe, (6)
In many an erotic pose!
(1) The Index Librorum Prohibitorum.
(2) Henry III, Bishop of Liege, was deposed in
1274 for having 65 illegitimate children.
(3) Paul was the earliest Christian writer to believe
that sex ought to be avoided if possible.
(4) The Devil: Beelzebub (Baal-Zebub) the Canaanite
deity who, in the Bible, was transformed into Satan.
(5) An unspeakable depravity thought to be rife amongst
Boy Scouts - hence Lord Baden-Powell’s warning to them
that it could cause blindness, insanity and hairy hands.
(6) Both converted from Anglicanism to Catholicism.
© Richard Layton