LETSBY AVENUE! (weekly poem)

LETSBY AVENUE!

(A Fuzzy Fantasy)

In some areas, because of Government cutbacks, the Police

have  given-up investigating burglaries and are asking the

victims to solve the crime. London's detection rate is 5.5%.

I live in Letsby Avenue,

(The old ones are the best!)

And after being burgled as,

No burglar had confessed,

I was asked to investigate,

And then make the arrest.

“ 'Allo, 'allo, wot 'ave we 'ere”,

To myself, I then said;

“The two of us, both me and I,

Must put this case to bed,

So victim and detective, (us!)

Can rest our weary head”.

So I interrogated me,

With the housebreaker's cosh,

The Constable had left behind,

So I made up some tosh,

As the insurance paid on crime,

Amounted to real dosh!

So after I had punched and kicked,

Myself quite black and blue,

I then admitted to myself,

That all of it was true,

That I had burgled my own house,

But hadn't left a clue.

I took myself to Scotland Yard,

Locked myself in a cell,

I then beat-up myself again,

It was a living hell;

But I'd removed a thug from my,

Own street for a long spell!

© Richard Layton