Slobgate (poem)

SLOBGATE! 

(A Lib-Dem enquiry found no proof that Lord Rennard
behaved in a sexually inappropriate way, but concluded
that the evidence of the women was "broadly credible"!)

Most Lords are virile, handsome chaps,
It’s in the breeding and the genes;
And this goes, someway, to explain,
Why they’re so full of sexual beans!
Lord ‘R’ was one such hunky brute, (1)
So how could any girl resist;
All his (alleged!) advances, when
It’s said they’re dying to be kissed?

It takes a well-bred gentleman,
To know how far to woo and flirt;
And at the hustings to select,
A tasty bit of liberal skirt!
It’s difficult to comprehend,
With his old-world entitled charm;
How any lucky female Lib,
Could fail to fall for such old smarm.

Those foolish gals imagining,
Such gallantry’s against their will;
Know they’ll experience full on,
A liberalised orgasmic thrill!
But Captain Clegg is up in arms,
And has commenced to moralise;
Insisting quite emphatically,
His Lordship should apologise.

Both sides are at an impasse now,
And neither will give way or budge;
In what’s a monumental gaffe,
And quintessential Lib-Dem fudge.
The writs and counter-writs could fly,
The case become sub-judice;
Lloyd George is turning in his grave,
At this absurd black comedy.

Some say that Clegg’s a killjoy, as
Some macho Liberals joined in hope;
(Before the Party changed its ways) (2)
Of having liberal girls to grope!
So Lib-Dem ladies, the advice,
If you remain still ill at ease;
With any Lords who try it on-
Kick them in their heredities!

(1) “This physically unprepossessing man”
Polly Toynbee, Guardian, 21/1/2014.

(2) A Lib Dem council lost its court attempt to keep
secret a report into Mike Hancock MP, who is
accused of making unwelcome sexual advances
towards a vulnerable constituent. Guardian, 25/1/14


© Richard Layton