Below is the text of a full page advertisement in 'Private Eye' No. 1389, probably the UK's best known, twice-monthly satirical magazine. For those familiar with Private Eye, and certainly for any anti-capitalist, one may even consider that it is a piece conceived, tongue in cheek, by one of their contributors. But no, it appears to be a supposedly serious attempt to gather support for a bid for a second runway at Gatwick airport. Read and be mesmerized.
OUR RUNWAY COMES GUARANTEED.
GATWICK'S FIVE GUARANTEES TO THE UK:
1. FAIR TO TAXPAYERS
A privately funded runway ready for take off in 2025.
Gatwick guarantees that its second runway will be open in 2025, privately funded with no need for billions of pounds of public subsidy.
2. FAIR TO PASSENGERS AND AIRLINES
Airport charges capped to keep prices low for everyone.
Gatwick guarantees that, in return for government agreeing a 30 year contract, passenger charges will be subject to an inflation-linked £15 limit.
3. FAIR TO GOVERNMENT
No public sector risk for government to carry.
Gatwick guarantees that it will bear all the main long-term risks of the expansion programme related to traffic levels, market pricing, construction and operating costs, rather than expecting either passengers, airlines or government to take these risks.
4. FAIR TO LOCAL PEOPLE
Cash compensation for those most affected by noise.
Gatwick guarantees that it will pay £1,000 (linked to inflation) annually towards the council tax of those people currently affected by significant levels of aircraft noise, or who may become affected as soon as a second runway is operational.
5. FAIR TO THE ENVIRONMENT
Air quality targets always met.
Gatwick guarantees that air quality levels will remain within current legal limits in the area close to the airport and that this can be achieved without introducing a congestion charge.
The website has further details of Gatwick's guarantees to the UK, all couched in similar up-beat language. www.gatwickobviously.com