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Tuesday, January 23, 2018

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY! (weekly poem)

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY!

Transport Minister, Chris Grayling, was abroad when
New Year rail fare increases of 3.4% were announced.

Let's keep the railways privatised,
In a (John) Major way;
So each branch hasn't got a clue,
What others do each day.
Let's show the public how to run,
A real bureaucracy;
With private enterprise that 'earns',
A double subsidy! (1)
Let's make the railway timetable,
An incoherent mess;
So tariffs and all travel times,
Are anybody's guess.

Let's paint all the train carriages,
In psychedelic hues;
So when train's cancelled, passengers,
Won't have those 'Lost Train Blues'!
Let's turn compartment heating on,
Sometime in early June;
To make each straphanger emerge,
Like a wet, wrinkled prune.
Let's give commuters refunds when,
The trains are running slow;
In Summer months that start with 'X',
With the 'wrong type of snow'!

Let's raise train fares repeatedly,
Above inflation's rate;
And site the ticket barriers,
To make the punctual late.
Let's vaguely threaten railway firms,
With a small paltry fine;
When staff in Winter wrongly leave,
The wrong leaves on the line.
Let's change our minds and take the bus,
To miss all this delay;
Then catch all level crossings whilst,
We journey on our way!

(1) Action For Rails claim that subsidies have more than doubled
and fares have increased by 24% in real terms since privatisation
in 1994. Chris Grayling has recently had to bail out Virgin Trains.

© Richard Layton


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