THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY! (weekly poem)

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY!

Transport Minister, Chris Grayling, was abroad when

New Year rail fare increases of 3.4% were announced.

Let's keep the railways privatised,

In a (John) Major way;

So each branch hasn't got a clue,

What others do each day.

Let's show the public how to run,

A real bureaucracy;

With private enterprise that 'earns',

A double subsidy! (1)

Let's make the railway timetable,

An incoherent mess;

So tariffs and all travel times,

Are anybody's guess.

Let's paint all the train carriages,

In psychedelic hues;

So when train's cancelled, passengers,

Won't have those 'Lost Train Blues'!

Let's turn compartment heating on,

Sometime in early June;

To make each straphanger emerge,

Like a wet, wrinkled prune.

Let's give commuters refunds when,

The trains are running slow;

In Summer months that start with 'X',

With the 'wrong type of snow'!

Let's raise train fares repeatedly,

Above inflation's rate;

And site the ticket barriers,

To make the punctual late.

Let's vaguely threaten railway firms,

With a small paltry fine;

When staff in Winter wrongly leave,

The wrong leaves on the line.

Let's change our minds and take the bus,

To miss all this delay;

Then catch all level crossings whilst,

We journey on our way!

(1) Action For Rails claim that subsidies have more than doubled

and fares have increased by 24% in real terms since privatisation

in 1994. Chris Grayling has recently had to bail out Virgin Trains.

© Richard Layton