AMBER RUDD--WAITING FOR THE GREEN LIGHT! (weekly poem)

AMBER RUDD--WAITING FOR THE GREEN LIGHT!

(Dominus, dominatrix, dominum)

The new Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, commenting

on post-Brexit vote xenophobia made the unfortunate

statement that, “Hate crime must be stamped out”.

We must show hate-crime criminals,

That brute force doesn’t pay;

By being strong and disciplined,

In every kind of way.

We’ll show by being firm with them,

How justice serves us all;

And how jail Bible classes can,

Help save them from a fall.

But with my brand new policy,

I’ll stretch them on the rack;

And with my friend, Ann Widdecombe,

We’d give them all a smack.

I personally would whip them if,

Such things were left to me;

Such thoughts bring out the beast in one,

But oh the ecstasy !

I’d put them in a Scissor Hold, (1)

And crush them with my thighs;

And then I‘d put a Headlock on, (1)

To squeeze out both their eyes.

I’d tie them up and strip them in,

My legalistic lust;

Then choke them with my corset straps, (2)

To prove in God we trust.

Oh gosh! to be so dominant,

And kick men into touch;

It is (gasp!) so orgasmic when,

One knees them in the crutch!

I’d give them a good kicking to,

Ensure these louts conform;

And demonstrate State thuggery,

Is the one decent norm.

And if war breaks out once again,

We’ll call them up to serve;

So all those beastly foreigners,

Get that which they deserve!

(1) Wrestling holds.

(2) Optional for male Home Secretaries.

© Richard Layton